Hey friend.

What is wrong with me?

I know better, but why do I not do better?

At the beginning of April, I did an Exodus experience for forty days and decided to do a social media detox. It was one of the hardest things I have done this year. I learnt a lot about myself and became more aware of my habits and why some things pull at my attention.

I realised that I tend to use entertainment as a form of escaping and avoiding my problems. I think at the core of it is loneliness and I feel like my life is not interesting. I don’t know what to do with my loneliness, so I want to escape the feeling and live life through someone else’s life. I want to experience the well scripted life where I feel the emotions that feel far from my reality.

Escaping to drama land feels easier than interrogating why I’m feeling that way. It’s scary because then I would have to deal with them head-on. Avoiding them buys me some time to pretend as if they are not there.

During the fast, I seemed to make progress, going to Jesus and letting Him be my source of comfort. I was reading the word and spending time with Jesus because I had nowhere else to hide. Oh, how I wish that knowing better means you do better.

It has been about two months since I finished the detox, and I am back to how I was before the 40 days. The transformation seemed to last the 40 days which is frustrating if I’m being honest.

I am currently living in the tension of having the intellectual knowledge and awareness of it, but I still default to escapism.

I have been spending at least 3 hours a day watching Chinese dramas, but I have spent less than an hour reading the Word daily.

My head knows that nothing will truly satisfy me but Jesus. Right now, I’m struggling to get my heart to know what my head knows.

Jesus, send help, please.