Hey Friend!

Trying to get into the dating scene after many years of being single and in your late twenties is the pits! This is me venting, you’ve been warned.

For context, I am turning 30 in November this year and have been single for most of my twenties. I spent the majority of my twenties focusing on my relationship with God, studying, and getting into the workplace. Just now, I feel like I’ve gotten the hang of it and have the space and capacity to start dating again, with the intention to marry.

I’ve grown significantly in my relationship with God and myself, and I’m in a healthier place than I was before. But the dating pool seems to be non-existent for me. All I see is drought.

I am often told or heard,

“You’ll find your future husband when you are not looking.”

I have not been “looking” for the majority of my twenties, but I never found him. So, what does “not looking” even mean? What am I doing or not doing right?

Then there’s the other advice:

“Be open minded. Put yourself out there. Go to places and meet new people.”

Okay, but where?

I mean, I am part of my local church. I am serving and part of a small group. What more should I do?

And then there is my favourite one:

“Be so hidden in the LORD that your future husband seeks God to find you.”

I know people mean well when they say these things. I really do. But honestly, it isn’t comforting to me.

Because sometimes it almost makes me feel like my desire for companionship is evidence that I think God is not enough for me.

Is it really that?

Does loving God mean I shouldn’t desire companionship?

Can I not love God and still desire companionship with a man?

Can I be deeply satisfied in my relationship with God and still want someone to share my life with?

And if I can, how do I hold that desire loosely without pretending I don’t want it?

Because I do want it.

I think.

And maybe that is another thing I am wrestling with.

Do I actually desire marriage, or do I desire marriage because that is what has been modelled in front of me?

For most of my life, the picture has been pretty straightforward.

You grow up. You study. You get a job. You get married. You have children.

And then you build a life around those things.

But what happens when you don’t follow that path?

I don’t feel like there is a ministry for the woman in between.

At least not in my church, I think.

There is a ministry for kids, youth, young adults, moms, vintage and men.

But what about women who have outgrown young adults but aren’t married or have kids?

Where do they go?

The young adult ministry in my church feels really young to me now. I struggle to connect beyond surface level. I attend the events but often end up feeling out of place.

But I am not married yet.

I don’t have children yet.

So I don’t really fit into the other categories either.

I am just… somewhere in between.

And I wonder how many other women feel like this.

I haven’t met many single women in my local church who are 50 plus, have never been married, and are serving the Lord. It hasn’t been modelled in front of me.

So, what does a meaningful life look like for a woman who doesn’t fit the usual Christian life milestones?

Where are the examples of women who are deeply fulfilled in God, serving, loving, growing, building lives, and are still single?

And I don’t mean women who have made peace with singleness by convincing themselves they never wanted marriage in the first place.

I mean the woman who has prayed about it, hoped for it, waited for it, and still doesn’t know if it will happen?

What does she do with that desire?

Does she continue to pray for it?

Does she stop praying for it?

I don’t have an answer to these questions.

I’m genuinely asking.

So, if you’re a Christian woman who has found yourself in this in-between season, what has your experience been?

I’d really love to hear from you.