Hey friend!

I thought I just loved being prepared but it turns out that isn’t exactly the case.

For the past month or so, I have been slowly getting back to writing. And it’s been exposing a lot of things I never paid attention to before.

I have been pushing back publishing my first come back blog post. It’s been sitting in my drafts for a week now, alongside my other potential blog posts.
At first, I thought it was because my new website wasn’t ready. I lost the old one and couldn’t get it back. So, I finished the website.

My next excuse was choosing the image to go with the post. Then it was planning the social media content strategy.

It’s been a week and I still haven’t published it.

I knew I had to press publish. But I just couldn’t. Why was I scared?

Why did the preparation feel easy while publishing the post felt like climbing a mountain?
And I realised, planning gave me a sense of accomplishment without being seen.
And publishing the post opened me up to judgement, or praise.

What if people thought I wasn’t good at writing?

What if they start to use what I share against me?

What if I start craving validation again?

I was afraid and still am afraid of being seen … fully and not be wanted.

I wish I can say with my chest out that I don’t care about what people think of me. But I do care.

It’s a wrestle everyday between what I know and what I feel.
I know in my head that what should matter more is God. But sometimes that isn’t the case.

I want to want to care more about what my God thinks of me.
Care more about saying yes to Him even when it’s uncomfortable.

So, for the sake of wanting to please Him more, I will do it. Scared.